Photo of Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen from Rotten Tomatoes
The messy stock of dark hair, the pale white face paint with eye makeup from something like Revlon’s evening tones collection, and painted lips … Robert Pattinson’s version of Edward Cullen in the teen vampire romance "Twilight" has the young ladies so filled with romance that they can’t help right clicking on his image then saving as desktop background.
I’ve seen this guy before: His name is Robert Smith and he is the goth-guy lead singer of the moony ’80s band The Cure. While plenty of trapper keepers were scarred with Smith’s lyrics as graffiti, I’m not convinced anyone ever squealed at a picture of him. At least not in pleasure. [This is coming from someone who still has vintage Cure in regular rotation.]
Photo from The Cure.
Maybe it’s because, unlike Edward Cullen, Smith’s skin doesn’t shimmer in the sun like he was attacked by glitter-pen welding scrapbookers and a pore-sized Bedazzler. Although maybe he should consider it. I recently saw Smith on TV, rolling around on a stage covered in white makeup and thought: "C’mon, Robert. Still with the makeup? Even Madonna lost the cone bra at some point."
I’ve not yet listened to The Cure’s lastest release 4:13. I have a copy of it. I bet it’s awesome.
I did see "Twilight" though. Embarrassingly close to the day it opened. I couldn’t help it; I like a lot of things that 14 year old girls like: Jeans and hoodies from Abercrombie, Gossip Girl, Easy Cheese. I thought the book by Stephenie Meyer was awful. It should be subtitled: 101 ways to describe the color of Edward Cullen’s eyeballs. Not to mention that Bella and Edward have an emotionally abusive relationship. He loves her. He might eat her, though. Instead of a low-budget blockbuster, this should be an afterschool special.
"Oh, mom," she gasps. "I can’t wait to have a boyfriend who sneaks into my bedroom to watch me sleep and gives me absolutely NO alone time and could kill me because I smell so good, but probably won’t because he loves me."
The movie was better. It would have to be. It’s still not good, but the finale is totally "Matrix."
You know what did make me woozy when I was 14?
Donnie Wahlberg. First from left. I had no taste either.